I walk through the big chestnut double doors, trying to be as quiet as I can so maybe I will be invisible. I hear soft music playing as background fillers, there isn’t much commotion. Everyone lost in their own thoughts. I see my family gathered around as I take my first step in. My heart is pounding, the tears are coming, my hands are shaking and my whole body it jittering. I hold my head high, as I take my next step, memories filling my head. Laughing about random things, being tickled every night before bed, reading stories so I could fall asleep, and that warm pumpkin pie. Playing solitare on the living room floor and watching cartoons were the usual. The third step next, I feel my knees buckle. My mind is spinning in ten different directions as I try to push forward.On the fourth step I see the tears in my loved one’s eyes. It’s as if you can hear their hearts breaking in two. I don’t know if my legs will move, but I take my fifth step forward. I see my little cousins, curious about what is going on, as their parents try to explain. The sixth step I get a glimpse of her face, and my head shoots straight for the ground. I take a step back not knowing what to do. Can I keep going? It feels like ice has taken over my body, and I am frozen, standing there, alone, not knowing what to do next. The tears are pouring now. My vision is blurred. The seventh step, the hardest of them all. I see my Daddy’s face and my heart sinks. The pain in his eyes is more then I can bear. I look away as if that will make it better. There is a knot in my throat and a pit in my stomach. The toughest man I have ever met has broken down. Can I keep moving forward? I have no choice, this is for Her. I have to keep going and take those last three steps. My eighth step I force myself to raise my head, look at her soft, peaceful face, laying there as if asleep. So young still, but her life well fulfilled. The ninth step I grab my Brother’s hand, and squeeze it so tight as if that will heel the pain. I dig deep, decide this is it. My tenth step. Forward, I reach, and touch her cold, stiff, beautiful, wrinkled hand that reveals all the hardship, happiness, and love she has expeirenced throughout her life. I let my tears fall without trying to stop them. I let all my feelings show without secluding myself or keeping my feelings hidden. It was as if for the first time, since hearing the news, I realize my Meme is dead. She was taken away from me to go to Heaven. Wondering how I will ever make it without her. That was my last time to open up to her and let my feelings show. The pain I was feeling, the happiness we shared, the love that combined us, the memories keeping her alive, inside of me, all the lessons she opened my eyes to, all the advice she had given me. That was all I had left of this wonderful woman who made the biggest impact on not only me, but the person I am. She is the rock behind what I stand for, what I believe, and the choices I make. I live for Her.
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