Walking through brown pastures instead of green and dark alleys that seem as if they’ve never been lit. Missing the life I’ve never had drives me insane, and the setting around me reminds me of hopeless fate that’s been doomed from the start. Never knowing my shadowed truths of whom I am and where I come from. It eats me up inside at night tears drown my frustrations, as it pounds and brutally rushes through the ruined walls of my sanity. Though the bad thoughts that will forever linger in my head, I put one foot forward to be pushed ten feet back. Yeah, I’m traveling this journey called life!
As a little girl, my mother would take me with her to the florist. I adored flowers; and all the assorted colors and shapes, but I hated one and only one the cactus, it was brutal, harsh and most of all cruel like the world. I use to close my eyes and imagine I was a princess in a magical kingdom with the prettiest face eyes have met. The wind would softly kiss my warm cheeks as I sprang through summer’s air, playing in a garden near my castle. I bent down to caress a rose red velvet dress when all of a sudden I looked up to find my prince on a bended knee professing his love to me. Just as my fairytale was about to tell of my happily ever after reality woke me up; I felt a sharp pierce of a cactus thorn thrust against my finger. Red sorrow cried out of my vain, and it was then that I realized; happy endings just were not for girls like me.
I’ve been redundantly knocked to my knees one attempt after another. Initially, I thought it was God trying to keep me humbly looking up, or testing my faith, but I have come to realize there’s no explanation. I’m a strong believer and even stronger participant though out the week, and no matter what step I take toward the light I’m repelled backwards, as if I’m a bird flying into a glass door! I’ve been told “keep your head up high,” and “when your knees give out on you never let them see you breakdown,” but it gets harder and harder by the day when you have so many things holding you down, and nothing nor anyway or anyone to pull you back up. I speak from experience; I haven’t always felt this way. I once thought I had truly found love, the only boy who could prove me wrong about love and breathe life back into me. Not only did he prove me right, he cheated on me, another slap in the face from life. It was about two weeks before I ate or slept again, my body’s never been the same since. Therefore, my question is why keep playing the foul for however long it may be, before the next dilemma or circumstance comes to tackle you. It’s like your place is below, where the only thing you can hope for is not to hope, imagine or dream!
This experience has caused me to learn and accept happy endings are just tales you read of in books, and illusive escapes of your imagination shadowing the hard-knock life before your eyes. I’ve stop letting that little innocent dreamer manipulate me with unrealistic scenarios and anticipation of a destiny that’ll never be entitled to me. With every step I take in this journey, life kills that bittersweet girl softly. Listen closely and you’ll hear her last exhale.
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